Fantasizing! I get so emotional baby!

As a young child, around the age of 9, I was absolutely enamored with the pop singer Whitney Houston. I would listen to her tape at every moment; sing along with all the words memorized perfectly and would lay in bed at night with a fabulously fantasized dream.

I dreamt and fantasized that Whitney Houston was my biological mother, and she would come and “rescue” me.

When I day dreamed about her, I would feel happy; elated and proud. My biological mother is a super star and she wanted me back! (Side note: I am quite pale and Whitney is an Afro-American, but to a child’s mind, a fantasy is far from intellectual).

When I was 10 years old, my father took me to her concert. I actually dreamed the night before that Whitney would call my name and ask to reunite on stage, and my life would begin with her. Then, at the concert, I waited and listened. No name, no mention, no fantasy reunion. It was one of my first let downs. I returned home with a large poster of this beautiful diva, and layed in bed and cried. My parents never knew of this fantasy…I suppose I felt awkward to tell them I wanted someone else to be my parent. I was also afraid of their reaction to even let on a little bit.
It is very common for adopted children to fantasize about their biological parents. In the instances of abandonment I believe it can make the fantasy far easier to achieve.

According to psychiatrist Dr. Barbara Stilwell, "Many children have fantasies that they have another set of parents somewhere who are superhuman beings . . . These fantasies arise when a child becomes angry at his parents. They dissipate when a child learns that he can love and hate the same person."

I would like to challenge this theory in the instance of abandonment. Since there is so much mystery, trauma and susceptibility to reactive attachment disorder, I would like to believe that this will happen no matter how the child feels towards the adoptive parent.

However, based on the child’s story and the child’s personal beliefs, the child may not dream of the adoptive parent as such a glossy individual. If the adopted child doesn't fantasize that they are handsome and wealthy, the opposite may be played. The child may think of the darker side of life. The child may think that their biological parents could have been a sex worker, a drug addict or an overall “bad” person. That is particularly dangerous, but I believe that the adoptive parents influence and positive remarks can kill these ideas, if it is started early enough in the child's life.

If the child does not fully fantasize and label the biological parent, the child will (at certain points in their life) think of whom their biological parents may be and conjure up some ideas. These ideas may not be shared with you, so don't be offended. Its like a deck of cards that are held too close to share.

And for the record, I am still waiting for Ms. Houston to return to Vancouver for another concert and yes, I’ll pay through the nose to be in front row, but without the tears.

My 30th Birthday

So, today is the day I think I was born. Tonight actually is probably the best guess – based on my newspaper articles. I think I was abandoned early in the morning on the 14th and believed to be a few hours old.

My children gave me presents and a cake. It was very sweet to see them care, but truth be told, I don’t want to “celebrate”. I obviously have the sense to understand why they want to celebrate my birthday, and I appreciate that they made such an effort. I receive it with smiles and hugs, but deep down I am in pain and not connected.
I don’t feel happy, and I am unsure if it’s even my birth date to begin with. So…I pretend and go with my day in my numb and withdrawn body.

I went shopping, surfed the net and played with my boys to pass the time and distract myself from reality. I haven’t cried yet, but I suppose the day is not over.

The day will fade and I will get happier with the days to come, but for today, I’m in the dark zone.

Your child's story - how to...

Many adoptive parents struggle and fear the day when they sit down with their child and tell them the truth of their story. Although this seems like a big mountain to climb, consider this as something that doesn’t and shouldn’t happen on one big momentous day.

Choosing to open up with your child is something that must be fostered from an early age. Talking about the story should happen early and often. However, many ask me, how do I do this?

This process starts the moment you take your child home. Keep in mind that this is a new relationship for the both of you. It will take time for your child to trust and accept you as their permanent caregiver. However, you can still incorporate their story into little things in your day. The sooner you open up the truth, the better for the both of you and your family. Talk about the airplane in the sky and how your child rode that home. Talk about certain foods that come from the child’s country of origin.
Rehearse a formal story with your spouse or another significant family member. If you can’t (or if it feels too odd), rehearse in front of the mirror. Look at your body language. Hear your tone. Analyze the words you choose. Think love; comfort; ease of flow of language. Then think smiles; hugs; love with gentle touching and eye contact.

Think of your child’s ethnic and cultural background (if you know), and biological history that remains uniquely their own. What makes your child so special and unique? Tell your child in their story.

A good way to introduce the story is to tell the story in a fairy tale way. i.e. Once upon a time, there was this mommy and daddy (Richard and Lisa) and they wanted to have a wonderful son/daughter like you…(etc., etc.,) Keep the facts clear, true and factual. Ensure the story is consistent with your spouse and/or other key family members. These details should never change over the course of their life. Not only will this capture your child’s attention and imagination, but it will prompt questions. Be prepared for questions. Again, rehearse if necessary. The most common questions will be; “Why was I left?” “Do you know who my mommy is?” “Does my mommy love me?” Although this may crush your heart to hear these questions, keep in mind that this is normal. This is your child’s reality and any question they may have is valid and should not be discounted.

No matter what the questions are, stay positive and keep it age appropriate. In time, this story will become ordinary and/or boring to the child, and that is good. The more commonplace the story is, the easier it is for the child to move on and enjoy their childhood.

As time goes by, your child’s maturity and appetite for the story will change and will need to evolve. The “Once Upon a Time” story will need to be shelved and revamped into a matter of fact sequence of events. With different ages, comes different and more sophisticated questions. Be prepared and stay positive! And remember, at no age whatsoever does your child need to hear gory details that they were “left for dead”. Honesty is key, but damaging details need to be carefully weighed.

Your child may look to you for answers and will naturally expect you to have them. However, some of these questions can never be answered. Be realistic, honest and down to earth. If you don’t know, then let your child down gently and tell them that fact. They will respect your honesty and will feel your respect for their story. When it comes to the child’s story and their reaction and feelings, do not pretend you know it all. Do not give the child the false expectation that you have the answers. Your child will figure this out in time and this “knowing attitude” will easily alienate your relationship.

Also keep in mind that when you speak of the child’s story, you are bringing up the trauma. This is healing and healthy to do so, but depending on certain times in your child’s life – this can also be a silent blow to the confidence and can make your child feel uncertain. To combat these feelings, reaffirm your love to the child and their special role in your heart and family. Remind the child each time why they are so unique, smart, kind etc. Your child will eat it up and may feel better because of it!

It's not easy to walk the fine line between bringing it up too often or not often enough, between asking too many or too few questions about the child's feelings. However, your child does need to know that it’s ok to talk about it, so be sure to literally remind them of this fact. Take cues from your child and consider why abandoned children don’t communicate to their parents:

1. The child wants to avoid the pain and pretend it didn’t happen to them. They want to feel “normal like everyone else”
2. They sense and/or feel it's uncomfortable
3. They don’t feel a connection with the parent
4. They hear negative words and/or tones in the story
5. Parents try to direct and own the story
6. There is a negative reaction to bringing it up
7. Parents don't communicate, so the child follows
8. Overkill - parents talk about it all the time
9. Parents are negative towards the biological parents

My Trigger...

Ok, call me crazy, but a jug of milk triggered me this morning.
As I was getting milk for my son’s cereal this morning, I see this bright red expiry date flashing before my eyes: OCT 13
October 13th is my birthday, or as far as we all know. I don't celebrate my birthday as in having a party, or having ample people acknowledging my day, but I do have a little something at home with my children.

They want to celebrate my life, and on an intellectual level, I should want the same thing. In some way, I want to want it, but I just can't get over the trauma of that one specific day.

However, on a primal level, I don't want to celebrate and don’t see this day as a celebration. I see this day as a negative thing. I see this day as a parting of my biological connection. It is an anniversary of sorts, like a death. This day typically feels heavy, sad and leaves me withdrawn and speechless. I have many people around me who see it differently, and of course they would. I expect them to – they luckily have never walked in these shoes.

However, my birthday is a trigger – in fact the days leading up to this “anniversary” is a trigger too. How can I get over this? Or perhaps this is something I may never resolve. Perhaps that I need to resolve that I will never resolve it.

Most people associate closure to the remedy, and well, I am unsure of that. Even if I had closure, it would still be a painful day – a reminder that my biological’s left me. I suppose I will never fully get over that, but I have accepted and acknowledged it – and that is half the battle. Just have to make sure I don’t spill my milk this 13th!

Time will tell...

The fit of adoption has been talked about since the beginning of adoption. Most people struggling in their own adoption may not even recognize, or rather want to fathom the idea of disruption. Many parents claim their child as their own, through thick and thin. Others reach such a breaking point, either due to their lack of knowledge, or lack of fit. Many professionals also preach nurture vs. nature, but it is obvious that it is not that scientific. Sometimes, as raw as this may sound, it is luck of the draw.

However, the reality is, is when a parent or couple starts to use the word disruption, then it typically takes no time at all to go through with the steps.

I had a very trying and emotional conversation with a lovely lady this morning regarding her adoption. From day one she has struggled (again, she notes she made many errors for the ease of her child's attachment and has many regrets), but nonetheless, stands here today with no hope and then she used the word "disruption".

Could it be that she is completely "done" and wants to place her child in a more "suitable" home? Or will this settle down and time will tell all? Perhaps more time will do more damage, and alas, that is the tricky part with the fit of adoption and disruption. It is a delicate balance with no infinite answer.

Like most families in international adoption, this woman suffers alone and feels stuck in her own world. She can't tell her family of her struggles. They don't understand attachment and believe that this child should be perfectly behaved because she lives in a nice home and has love. It is not that easy. Love does not fix this, nor does a nice home. Her family believes that her child should be happy, and should be a perfect child. The child has love and a nice home. The child has not acted perfect (what child does?), and so she feels shameful and like a failure.

No matter what she will decide upon, it will not be easy. The child stays, the parents change, learn and give more and perhaps nothing will change. The child will suffer. The child goes to another home, the child will suffer regardless of the fit.

For as long as adoption exists, disruption will always happen. It is a sad, but necessary reality.

To believe or not to believe - that is my dilemna!

Photo credit: "The Rape of the Daughters of Leucippus" - Paul Rubens, 1681

Yesterday afternoon I found myself sitting in a beautiful home in West Vancouver, overlooking the harbour and waiting for my blueprint to be read through my spirit guide with the aid of a lovely woman who apparently has the unique ability to see, hear and feel spirits. I was anxious to see this process through, but also taking this experience as a novelty I was relaxed and open to anything this woman might say.
Or so I thought.

(Coles Notes version: Spirit medium and psychic artist as well as spiritual counsellor with the unique ability to see into people and read their blueprint or life-path. By simply tuning in to your energy she can tell you some of what has happened, is happening, and may happen on your path).

Sounds interesting, right? At 3:05pm I waited for my life blueprint to unfold through her eyes with the aid of my spirit guide. I didn’t know what to expect. She closed her eyes and moves like she is trying to see or find something.

“Genealogy!” She says, over and over. “Does this mean something to you?”

The conversation turned quickly to my blueprint. Apparently, I have great gaps in my print. Large grey gaps to be exact.

She goes on to tell me that she can’t find my connection. She can’t find my parents. She tells me my blueprint is mysterious. So, of course I tell her that I was abandoned shortly after my birth. She gets excited and starts talking more with the spirit world. She then told me some “facts”.

- My biological mother’s family comes from Nova Scotia.
- Her family moved to Ontario.
- Her family life was abusive and she ran away at 15.
- She came out west and got involved with the wrong people.
- At the age of 15, she was violently raped and conceived me.

She goes on to tell me that my biological mother did not know what to do, so abandoning me was the best thing to do. She tells me that she is dead and is in the spirit world. She has dirty blonde hair.

Ok, let’s back up. Hearing that you are conceived by a violent rape is not an easy thing to hear, whether it is true or not. With that said, I don’t whole heartedly believe it is true; however it sure has made my wheels churn in my head. What “if” it was true?

As morbid as this may seem, I have toiled with this idea before. I call this a process of accepting my twenty truths. Perhaps I will never know what the real truth is, but like I have said, this possibility has crossed my mind several times. Since my story is so mysterious, and I have accepted that I may never know my truths. I have gone on to explore the possibilities – I have felt the need to accept and acknowledge any of these truths as a possible truth. I suppose it is my way of exploring, or seeking self-preservation for when or “if” I ever find out the actual truth.

I think that most can easily point fingers to the obvious sensationalism and shock factor and dismiss this as airy fairy. I too am in that group.

Either way, having someone tell you that you are in fact a product of a violent rape is a very hard and hurtful experience. Essentially, she told me that my being was based on something violent; barbaric and un-natural. It is very confusing, damaging and toxic to hear of.
Last night I went to bed, tossed and turned and told myself to forget about this news for just that moment. Go to sleep, get some rest.

I woke up this morning and told myself; I need to decide what to believe.