To believe or not to believe - that is my dilemna!

Photo credit: "The Rape of the Daughters of Leucippus" - Paul Rubens, 1681

Yesterday afternoon I found myself sitting in a beautiful home in West Vancouver, overlooking the harbour and waiting for my blueprint to be read through my spirit guide with the aid of a lovely woman who apparently has the unique ability to see, hear and feel spirits. I was anxious to see this process through, but also taking this experience as a novelty I was relaxed and open to anything this woman might say.
Or so I thought.

(Coles Notes version: Spirit medium and psychic artist as well as spiritual counsellor with the unique ability to see into people and read their blueprint or life-path. By simply tuning in to your energy she can tell you some of what has happened, is happening, and may happen on your path).

Sounds interesting, right? At 3:05pm I waited for my life blueprint to unfold through her eyes with the aid of my spirit guide. I didn’t know what to expect. She closed her eyes and moves like she is trying to see or find something.

“Genealogy!” She says, over and over. “Does this mean something to you?”

The conversation turned quickly to my blueprint. Apparently, I have great gaps in my print. Large grey gaps to be exact.

She goes on to tell me that she can’t find my connection. She can’t find my parents. She tells me my blueprint is mysterious. So, of course I tell her that I was abandoned shortly after my birth. She gets excited and starts talking more with the spirit world. She then told me some “facts”.

- My biological mother’s family comes from Nova Scotia.
- Her family moved to Ontario.
- Her family life was abusive and she ran away at 15.
- She came out west and got involved with the wrong people.
- At the age of 15, she was violently raped and conceived me.

She goes on to tell me that my biological mother did not know what to do, so abandoning me was the best thing to do. She tells me that she is dead and is in the spirit world. She has dirty blonde hair.

Ok, let’s back up. Hearing that you are conceived by a violent rape is not an easy thing to hear, whether it is true or not. With that said, I don’t whole heartedly believe it is true; however it sure has made my wheels churn in my head. What “if” it was true?

As morbid as this may seem, I have toiled with this idea before. I call this a process of accepting my twenty truths. Perhaps I will never know what the real truth is, but like I have said, this possibility has crossed my mind several times. Since my story is so mysterious, and I have accepted that I may never know my truths. I have gone on to explore the possibilities – I have felt the need to accept and acknowledge any of these truths as a possible truth. I suppose it is my way of exploring, or seeking self-preservation for when or “if” I ever find out the actual truth.

I think that most can easily point fingers to the obvious sensationalism and shock factor and dismiss this as airy fairy. I too am in that group.

Either way, having someone tell you that you are in fact a product of a violent rape is a very hard and hurtful experience. Essentially, she told me that my being was based on something violent; barbaric and un-natural. It is very confusing, damaging and toxic to hear of.
Last night I went to bed, tossed and turned and told myself to forget about this news for just that moment. Go to sleep, get some rest.

I woke up this morning and told myself; I need to decide what to believe.