As a young child, around the age of 9, I was absolutely enamored with the pop singer Whitney Houston. I would listen to her tape at every moment; sing along with all the words memorized perfectly and would lay in bed at night with a fabulously fantasized dream. I dreamt and fantasized that Whitney Houston was my biological mother, and she would come and “rescue” me.
When I day dreamed about her, I would feel happy; elated and proud. My biological mother is a super star and she wanted me back! (Side note: I am quite pale and Whitney is an Afro-American, but to a child’s mind, a fantasy is far from intellectual).
When I was 10 years old, my father took me to her concert. I actually dreamed the night before that Whitney would call my name and ask to reunite on stage, and my life would begin with her. Then, at the concert, I waited and listened. No name, no mention, no fantasy reunion. It was one of my first let downs. I returned home with a large poster of this beautiful diva, and layed in bed and cried. My parents never knew of this fantasy…I suppose I felt awkward to tell them I wanted someone else to be my parent. I was also afraid of their reaction to even let on a little bit.
It is very common for adopted children to fantasize about their biological parents. In the instances of abandonment I believe it can make the fantasy far easier to achieve.
According to psychiatrist Dr. Barbara Stilwell, "Many children have fantasies that they have another set of parents somewhere who are superhuman beings . . . These fantasies arise when a child becomes angry at his parents. They dissipate when a child learns that he can love and hate the same person."
I would like to challenge this theory in the instance of abandonment. Since there is so much mystery, trauma and susceptibility to reactive attachment disorder, I would like to believe that this will happen no matter how the child feels towards the adoptive parent.
However, based on the child’s story and the child’s personal beliefs, the child may not dream of the adoptive parent as such a glossy individual. If the adopted child doesn't fantasize that they are handsome and wealthy, the opposite may be played. The child may think of the darker side of life. The child may think that their biological parents could have been a sex worker, a drug addict or an overall “bad” person. That is particularly dangerous, but I believe that the adoptive parents influence and positive remarks can kill these ideas, if it is started early enough in the child's life.
If the child does not fully fantasize and label the biological parent, the child will (at certain points in their life) think of whom their biological parents may be and conjure up some ideas. These ideas may not be shared with you, so don't be offended. Its like a deck of cards that are held too close to share.
And for the record, I am still waiting for Ms. Houston to return to Vancouver for another concert and yes, I’ll pay through the nose to be in front row, but without the tears.
