I had an interesting call from an adoptive mother of a 3 year old chinese girl yesterday. First of all, I thank this woman for being so candid and open. I also thank her for her refreshing opening statement.
“I am nervous to speak with you; after all, I view you like my child. I am at the end of my rope and feel guilty for feeling this way. I hope you don’t judge me. I was scared at the notion of speaking to you, but I knew I had to do it. I knew I had to hear you out.”
Wow! What openness and vulnerability. I reacted in shock, but with understanding and thankfulness for her honesty. I have seen the emotions on parent’s faces for years, but had yet to encounter the words. Thank-you.
This honesty is laced with such guilt that I can empathize and in some way feel bad for this mother. This mother feels lost, overwhelmed and confused. She believes that her child rejects her on a minute basis, and no matter what she does or doesn’t do she feels like she is drowning. Of course this incurs a reaction from the mother, and now she lies in her pool of guilt.
It is unfortunate and unnecessary that this mother and the majority of families are repeatedly led down this dark path of international adoption with no flash lights. What I mean to say is that families are set up for overwhelming disappointment, alienation from their immediate family members from lack of support and confusion. Like many parents I speak with, they are just starting to realize what Reactive Attachment Disorder is, and typically this happens years after the adoption in a very frenzied and fed up mind. For me personally, it drives me mad with no avail to hear time and time again that adoption agencies are not educating and preparing the parents properly and accurately.
This mother poked and prauded at my childhood and my thoughts on my abandonment and adoption. She seemed confused as to why I don't speak of my adoptive parents in conjunction with my story. My adoptive parents adopted me - yes. But my adoptive parents did not choose for me in particular to be abandoned. I don't hold them accountable for my pain. I don't expect them to even understand my pain. My story and my pain is just that...mine. I can't expect my parents to heal me, it is not their story to heal. Yes, I am their child, but the line is drawn there. Yes, I am sure my adoptive parents have had many years of feeling accountable for it, but I sure hope they don't anymore. Even if they do, that is ok too. Perhaps this mother feels the need to "heal" her child and thinks since her child is so unhappy it is because of her lack of skills. Hopefully in time she will learn that no matter what she tries, does or says, it will never erase this life lasting imprint.
I told this mother a quote that I told a producer the other day “the problem with adoption to begin with is that adoption is not a natural process. Naturally, human beings should be cared for and live with their biological roots, so it’s no wonder why we can feel so lost.”
And isn’t that it in a nutshell? Yes, adoption is a good thing – and all humans should be loved and have a proper home and upbringing. But to be rejected by the body that made you is a hard feat, let alone being abandoned and institutionalized to boot. It is not a natural, nor a healthy way for any life to begin in this world. And unfortunately for most of these children, it is an imprint that never fades. This needs to be accepted, understood and respected by adoptive parents.
I was quick to try to resolve her guilt by referring her to Nancy Spoolstra of Rad Zebra http://attachment-disorder.adoptionblogs.com/
If only she knew how many other adoptive parents out there feeling the same way and how often adoptive parents are let down, then perhaps the guilt would dissipate, but then perhaps this emotion would be replaced with anger?
