Many adoptive parents struggle and fear the day when they sit down with their child and tell them the truth of their story. Although this seems like a big mountain to climb, consider this as something that doesn’t and shouldn’t happen on one big momentous day. Choosing to open up with your child is something that must be fostered from an early age. Talking about the story should happen early and often. However, many ask me, how do I do this?
This process starts the moment you take your child home. Keep in mind that this is a new relationship for the both of you. It will take time for your child to trust and accept you as their permanent caregiver. However, you can still incorporate their story into little things in your day. The sooner you open up the truth, the better for the both of you and your family. Talk about the airplane in the sky and how your child rode that home. Talk about certain foods that come from the child’s country of origin.
Rehearse a formal story with your spouse or another significant family member. If you can’t (or if it feels too odd), rehearse in front of the mirror. Look at your body language. Hear your tone. Analyze the words you choose. Think love; comfort; ease of flow of language. Then think smiles; hugs; love with gentle touching and eye contact.
Think of your child’s ethnic and cultural background (if you know), and biological history that remains uniquely their own. What makes your child so special and unique? Tell your child in their story.
A good way to introduce the story is to tell the story in a fairy tale way. i.e. Once upon a time, there was this mommy and daddy (Richard and Lisa) and they wanted to have a wonderful son/daughter like you…(etc., etc.,) Keep the facts clear, true and factual. Ensure the story is consistent with your spouse and/or other key family members. These details should never change over the course of their life. Not only will this capture your child’s attention and imagination, but it will prompt questions. Be prepared for questions. Again, rehearse if necessary. The most common questions will be; “Why was I left?” “Do you know who my mommy is?” “Does my mommy love me?” Although this may crush your heart to hear these questions, keep in mind that this is normal. This is your child’s reality and any question they may have is valid and should not be discounted.
No matter what the questions are, stay positive and keep it age appropriate. In time, this story will become ordinary and/or boring to the child, and that is good. The more commonplace the story is, the easier it is for the child to move on and enjoy their childhood.
As time goes by, your child’s maturity and appetite for the story will change and will need to evolve. The “Once Upon a Time” story will need to be shelved and revamped into a matter of fact sequence of events. With different ages, comes different and more sophisticated questions. Be prepared and stay positive! And remember, at no age whatsoever does your child need to hear gory details that they were “left for dead”. Honesty is key, but damaging details need to be carefully weighed.
Your child may look to you for answers and will naturally expect you to have them. However, some of these questions can never be answered. Be realistic, honest and down to earth. If you don’t know, then let your child down gently and tell them that fact. They will respect your honesty and will feel your respect for their story. When it comes to the child’s story and their reaction and feelings, do not pretend you know it all. Do not give the child the false expectation that you have the answers. Your child will figure this out in time and this “knowing attitude” will easily alienate your relationship.
Also keep in mind that when you speak of the child’s story, you are bringing up the trauma. This is healing and healthy to do so, but depending on certain times in your child’s life – this can also be a silent blow to the confidence and can make your child feel uncertain. To combat these feelings, reaffirm your love to the child and their special role in your heart and family. Remind the child each time why they are so unique, smart, kind etc. Your child will eat it up and may feel better because of it!
It's not easy to walk the fine line between bringing it up too often or not often enough, between asking too many or too few questions about the child's feelings. However, your child does need to know that it’s ok to talk about it, so be sure to literally remind them of this fact. Take cues from your child and consider why abandoned children don’t communicate to their parents:
1. The child wants to avoid the pain and pretend it didn’t happen to them. They want to feel “normal like everyone else”
2. They sense and/or feel it's uncomfortable
3. They don’t feel a connection with the parent
4. They hear negative words and/or tones in the story
5. Parents try to direct and own the story
6. There is a negative reaction to bringing it up
7. Parents don't communicate, so the child follows
8. Overkill - parents talk about it all the time
9. Parents are negative towards the biological parents
