The fit of adoption has been talked about since the beginning of adoption. Most people struggling in their own adoption may not even recognize, or rather want to fathom the idea of disruption. Many parents claim their child as their own, through thick and thin. Others reach such a breaking point, either due to their lack of knowledge, or lack of fit. Many professionals also preach nurture vs. nature, but it is obvious that it is not that scientific. Sometimes, as raw as this may sound, it is luck of the draw. However, the reality is, is when a parent or couple starts to use the word disruption, then it typically takes no time at all to go through with the steps.
I had a very trying and emotional conversation with a lovely lady this morning regarding her adoption. From day one she has struggled (again, she notes she made many errors for the ease of her child's attachment and has many regrets), but nonetheless, stands here today with no hope and then she used the word "disruption".
Could it be that she is completely "done" and wants to place her child in a more "suitable" home? Or will this settle down and time will tell all? Perhaps more time will do more damage, and alas, that is the tricky part with the fit of adoption and disruption. It is a delicate balance with no infinite answer.
Like most families in international adoption, this woman suffers alone and feels stuck in her own world. She can't tell her family of her struggles. They don't understand attachment and believe that this child should be perfectly behaved because she lives in a nice home and has love. It is not that easy. Love does not fix this, nor does a nice home. Her family believes that her child should be happy, and should be a perfect child. The child has love and a nice home. The child has not acted perfect (what child does?), and so she feels shameful and like a failure.
No matter what she will decide upon, it will not be easy. The child stays, the parents change, learn and give more and perhaps nothing will change. The child will suffer. The child goes to another home, the child will suffer regardless of the fit.
For as long as adoption exists, disruption will always happen. It is a sad, but necessary reality.
