My Trigger...

Ok, call me crazy, but a jug of milk triggered me this morning.
As I was getting milk for my son’s cereal this morning, I see this bright red expiry date flashing before my eyes: OCT 13
October 13th is my birthday, or as far as we all know. I don't celebrate my birthday as in having a party, or having ample people acknowledging my day, but I do have a little something at home with my children.

They want to celebrate my life, and on an intellectual level, I should want the same thing. In some way, I want to want it, but I just can't get over the trauma of that one specific day.

However, on a primal level, I don't want to celebrate and don’t see this day as a celebration. I see this day as a negative thing. I see this day as a parting of my biological connection. It is an anniversary of sorts, like a death. This day typically feels heavy, sad and leaves me withdrawn and speechless. I have many people around me who see it differently, and of course they would. I expect them to – they luckily have never walked in these shoes.

However, my birthday is a trigger – in fact the days leading up to this “anniversary” is a trigger too. How can I get over this? Or perhaps this is something I may never resolve. Perhaps that I need to resolve that I will never resolve it.

Most people associate closure to the remedy, and well, I am unsure of that. Even if I had closure, it would still be a painful day – a reminder that my biological’s left me. I suppose I will never fully get over that, but I have accepted and acknowledged it – and that is half the battle. Just have to make sure I don’t spill my milk this 13th!