Birth Mother Letter

I just came across my first (and so far only) letter to my birth mother that I wrote on May 22, 2005.

This specific day entailed my reunion in Prince Rupert at my spot of abandonment. On May 21st, I met Ron, who was the man that found my body laying there on the doorstep on October 14, 1977, however this brief meeting was not enough and it was a little impersonal with Ron and his wife there.

So, I returned on the 22nd to re-live the moment alone. It was so incredibly painful that the adrenaline flow literally hurt my body, mind and soul. I sat at the very spot I was layed at and the emotion over came me. I fled with sobbing

tears and a very hurt heart.

I arrived back in my hotel room that night, still shell shocked and alone. I could not eat or rest; my mind was racing with the sights, smells and every nuance of that brief reunion. Instead of laying in bed driving myself crazy, I wrote this letter at 3am in a very primal, child-like tone.
After 3 years, I still can’t fully express in words of the re-lived trauma, yet enlightening and therapeutic process this was. It truly haunted me for months after the fact and I couldn’t even speak of it without the tears for at least 6 months.

Please excuse the grammar and sentence structure…I am surprised I could even write this well with all the tears I shed that night…

May 22, 05

Dear mom,

Today I went to the Hospital and sat at the very spot you left me at.

It was so painful mom. Actually, I don’t think I would put it into words.

This moment of separation has haunted me for years and ultimately affected my whole life. This moment I was so young and fragile. So unknowing and so vulnerable.

You walked away and I imagine you said good bye forever.

So today I stood at the same spot and I seemed shell shocked. I didn’t know what to do or say.

So I relived it without you.

I sat down.

Sat down at the same spot you left me at 27 years ago.

Mom – I know we may never meet again and knowing I was in the spot you (most likely) were also at was so painful and made me feel so alone.

It made me feel so hurt.

It reminded me of this life we shared for 9 months and you couldn’t continue with me no more.

I feel rejected, confused, hurt,

I don’t have answers and long to know why. Why me? Why would you do this? If you knew how much pain this has caused – would you have done it?
Why couldn’t we stay together?

How could you leave me? I was your little fragile baby. Your baby you made. I was your baby that grew inside of you. I was and still am a part of you.

Now the doorstep is forever burned in my memory and I will think of it often.

I will think of you often too, if only I could have remembered your face when you said

Goodbye.