Handicapped Reunion

I had a very interesting, but traumatic dream last night. I dreamt that I was meeting my biological parents.

Oddly enough, I met my biological father first. I wasn’t too impressed, nor did I show much emotion (even though intellectually I know my life would not be here if it was not for him). I don’t remember much from this part, except he was taller than me, and we hugged. It wasn’t emotional.
Then, a few moments later, a stranger said “its time” and brought me to meet my biological mother.

She was extremely obese, looked rather unhealthy and was in a wheelchair. She had long brown hair, fair skin and I was searching her face for a resemblance, almost confused at her physical state. She was silent and did not say a word. She looked sad and guilty, but did make eye contact. She was accompanied by a few other people who were at her side as we both walked towards each other. I was alone, nervous and scared.

As I walked towards her, I thought “wow, this is it. This saga is finally over. I finally have my answers.” I looked at her and she held out her arms for a hug. I leaned down and hugged her. As I felt our bodies embrace and touch, a burst of tears flooded down my face. My body felt an instant adrenaline rush with acute pain. I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I could not stop crying and holding her.

I then woke up.

As I type this the next day, I think to myself, what did this person represent? A wheelchair confined, unhealthy and silent woman? Is that any significance to my stigma that I provide this situation? Is that fair for me to judge her as person who is struggling; unwell; guilt-ridden and confused? It is quite symbolic to paint her helpless, and perhaps that is my way of protecting myself. On a primal level, I want her pining; aching; recognizing and paying for the pain she has caused me…

Hope

(My son just minutes after he was born).

I found myself at the Bowring store on Saturday with my eldest son. We were looking through the Christmas decorations and I found a very interesting decoration. It was a jeweled encrusted word “Hope”.

For those that don’t know, my first name was Bonnie Vanessa Hope. Apparently, the nurses at the hospital gave me this name. The word, or rather name is quite common for abandoned babies. Many orphans are given this last name, and even orphanages are frequently named with this word.

My son looked at me concerned, and he said “oooh, mom, that’s your name right? I mean, your first name right?” I answered quietly “yes.” He then replied, “oh well, we shouldn’t get this since it will make you too sad.” I agree and we moved on.

I went on with my day, but later I thought about this more. Where is the line that we draw on the uncomfortable feelings and embracing this with a positive outlook?

I don’t think there is a clear answer. Every situation is different, timing is different and the point in a person’s life is different. I suppose for me, it is Christmas, which is a stressful time (good stress is still stress), and I’ll admit that I have always felt sadness at this time of year.

Do I need a trigger hanging on my Christmas tree? Do I need this name taunting me as I walk by? No.

Should I embrace this word as something to empower me and remind of what I have today? Well, perhaps that’s a novel idea, but for the season, I will tuck that away and keep my virgin, untainted tree just the way it is.

Traditions are meant to be kept.

This time of year can be particularly overwhelming and challenging for the families. Meltdowns are certain. Hyperactivity can be the norm, or a distant and detached frowning child. Either way, consider evaporating these situations with traditions. The more set traditions you have, the easier your holidays may be.

Here are some simple ideas to consider, and keep in mind that a tradition can only be if your family commits to doing this each and every year. Radlet’s love a controlled, steady and predictable environment. Setting up your child for anything less causes more stress and anxiety than needed.

Having these said traditions will give the child some normalcy to the riot of santa, presents and visitors, and may bring a bonding component to the family.

1. Take a family photo
2. Visit Santa
3. Find an easy cookie recipe and make them together
4. Do a special activity (my family does the Christmas train ride every year)
5. Make a gingerbread house together
6. Decorate the Christmas tree together
7. Have a Christmas party at the house (inviting the child’s friends) to encourage and test your child’s social skills
8. Have one set place for Christmas dinner each and every year (if that is possible)
9. Have a quiet day at home of relaxation on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day
10. If you are religious, choose one set day/time each year to visit the church i.e. Christmas Eve
11. Create a sense of belonging and ownership to the family by taking your child out to choose their gifts for your husband/wife and siblings. This may be a strenuous activity, but again, keep it light and fun and don’t do an 8 hour shopping marathon! Also, try to do the shopping early so your child feels prepared and you forego the crazy crowds at the mall
12. Give your child one special chore to do in relation to Christmas decorating
13. Create or buy an ornament for each year for each child (with the date written on the back)
14. Create a tradition with the parent who is typically not the main caregiver (this is typically dad). This will be paramount for creating a stronger bond
15. Make santa’s snack together and have the child intimately involved in cutting carrots, putting cookies out etc.

The night before Christmas, or before a big family get together, explain exactly what is going to happen at the event. Explain who is going to be there, where you are going and how long you will stay. Keep it positive and bring some quiet activity for the child to do.

Try not to travel at Christmas time. It is already such an overwhelming event, that it may push the limits too far for your child. If you can vacation at another time, you may as well save yourself the possible grief.

Some families choose this time to teach and show respect for their child’s native home. I do applaud this idea, but it has to be done delicately. Watch out for warning signs of your child feeling overwhelmed; overly excited or anxious. Also keep in mind that just because your child may come from China, it is not a reason to serve an Asian meal. Keep it true to your families traditions. You want to honor their background, but not confuse or create additional anxiety.

As an adult “radlet”myself, I absolutely adhere and enjoy my families traditions. We always do the Christmas train, at least a few days before Christmas. On Christmas Eve, we go to breakfast or brunch in suits and dresses at the fanciest restaurant open; we decorate the Christmas tree together (and I re-arrange my children’s ornaments later without them noticing); we buy a gift for a sick child at the children’s hospital and deliver it on Christmas day to remind us to be thankful for our good health. On Christmas Eve my boys get one gift each (a tradition I carry from my childhood), and each year they receive pajamas. On Christmas Day, I go to my parent’s house for a big Christmas dinner. I never travel at Christmas. It is far too special to bail out on family and yes, my strict traditions.

Guilt

I had an interesting call from an adoptive mother of a 3 year old chinese girl yesterday.

First of all, I thank this woman for being so candid and open. I also thank her for her refreshing opening statement.

“I am nervous to speak with you; after all, I view you like my child. I am at the end of my rope and feel guilty for feeling this way. I hope you don’t judge me. I was scared at the notion of speaking to you, but I knew I had to do it. I knew I had to hear you out.”

Wow! What openness and vulnerability. I reacted in shock, but with understanding and thankfulness for her honesty. I have seen the emotions on parent’s faces for years, but had yet to encounter the words. Thank-you.

This honesty is laced with such guilt that I can empathize and in some way feel bad for this mother. This mother feels lost, overwhelmed and confused. She believes that her child rejects her on a minute basis, and no matter what she does or doesn’t do she feels like she is drowning. Of course this incurs a reaction from the mother, and now she lies in her pool of guilt.

It is unfortunate and unnecessary that this mother and the majority of families are repeatedly led down this dark path of international adoption with no flash lights. What I mean to say is that families are set up for overwhelming disappointment, alienation from their immediate family members from lack of support and confusion. Like many parents I speak with, they are just starting to realize what Reactive Attachment Disorder is, and typically this happens years after the adoption in a very frenzied and fed up mind. For me personally, it drives me mad with no avail to hear time and time again that adoption agencies are not educating and preparing the parents properly and accurately.

This mother poked and prauded at my childhood and my thoughts on my abandonment and adoption. She seemed confused as to why I don't speak of my adoptive parents in conjunction with my story. My adoptive parents adopted me - yes. But my adoptive parents did not choose for me in particular to be abandoned. I don't hold them accountable for my pain. I don't expect them to even understand my pain. My story and my pain is just that...mine. I can't expect my parents to heal me, it is not their story to heal. Yes, I am their child, but the line is drawn there. Yes, I am sure my adoptive parents have had many years of feeling accountable for it, but I sure hope they don't anymore. Even if they do, that is ok too. Perhaps this mother feels the need to "heal" her child and thinks since her child is so unhappy it is because of her lack of skills. Hopefully in time she will learn that no matter what she tries, does or says, it will never erase this life lasting imprint.

I told this mother a quote that I told a producer the other day “the problem with adoption to begin with is that adoption is not a natural process. Naturally, human beings should be cared for and live with their biological roots, so it’s no wonder why we can feel so lost.”

And isn’t that it in a nutshell? Yes, adoption is a good thing – and all humans should be loved and have a proper home and upbringing. But to be rejected by the body that made you is a hard feat, let alone being abandoned and institutionalized to boot. It is not a natural, nor a healthy way for any life to begin in this world. And unfortunately for most of these children, it is an imprint that never fades. This needs to be accepted, understood and respected by adoptive parents.

I was quick to try to resolve her guilt by referring her to Nancy Spoolstra of Rad Zebra http://attachment-disorder.adoptionblogs.com/

If only she knew how many other adoptive parents out there feeling the same way and how often adoptive parents are let down, then perhaps the guilt would dissipate, but then perhaps this emotion would be replaced with anger?

Home Sweet Home...

My trip home was fairly uneventful with the exception that I almost missed my flight home. That fleeting thought enabled my sprint full of determination and I managed to check in two minutes before the cut off time.

I knew that my boys were waiting for me, and I could not tolerate knowing that they would be disappointed and then waiting for hours.

When I came through Customs, my boys were waiting and I heard their little voices cheering my name "mom" from the crowd. When our eyes engaged, my heart melted. My boys hugged me with Taylor studying my face. He then said “open your mouth”…which I did. I looked at him confused and then he replied “oh good, you don’t have vampire teeth. You haven’t changed, phew!” I too must confess, that I also stared at them to make sure that they were still the same. And that is exactly what we were both counting on after a week and a half….familiarity!

The more I thought of that, an experience in Romania conjured up my own natural desire of biological familiarity. During my trip with Mr. Ted, he took me through a small town where his family came from. Mr. Ted honestly felt like this experience was common place, and to his surprise I reacted with excitement. Honestly, to drive through family history was very exciting. It is the very thing I have craved my entire life.

I explained to Mr. Ted that my thought (or dream) of a biological background can easily be played in my mind and what a wonderful concept that is. My home is what others had chosen for me and what I adjusted to...and as an opera once said in 1832, it's home, sweet home.

Adoption Life Book

A life book is a great way to teach your child their story and show respect for their past and biological connection. It is a powerful exercise that assists with the bonding and attachment process between you and your child. It truly is such a powerful tool, that I believe all adoptees would want this as a child.

The photos in this entry are of my actual life book. I made that 4 years ago during my search. It was a very powerful project for me to do, but I suppose the underlying tone is that I did this so late in my life, and I did it alone.

A life book is something that you can start the moment you receive information on your child. Every photo, quote or piece of information is golden, and as such you should treat it that way.
I recommend that you start an official book in a scrap book format and take the time to make it colourful and visually appealing to your child. There are websites that give ideas and inspiration…try: http://www.scrapandtell.com/

Michael's Arts and Crafts also does regular in-person scrapbooking workshops.

You should document all major milestones, from your adoption paperwork, photos of significant days including meeting your child for the first time, airplane ride, entering your home for the first time and medical information. Additionally, any paper work relating to your child’s orphanage or foster care experience, or feedback or quotes from the caretakers should be documented. Keep in mind that all minute details such as how many other children were in the orphanage, or address of the foster care home is very important to document. Do not decide for your child on the details that they should know.

In the case that you have very little information relating to your child, then try to be creative and document information on your child’s country of origin or worldly facts that were happening in the time frame your child was born.

Do not trust yourself and think you will remember everything. There is no way during an emotional adoption experience that you will. So, document it clearly and accurately and find an appealing way to make this sacred life book for your child.

Once your child has been in your care for at least a few years, take on a project for your child to make their own. Photocopy the originals, facts and quotes and help your child create a life book that your child will solely possess. The importance of photocopies can not be stressed enough as your child may have moments in their life where anger can be so prominent that they will endeavor to destroy or subconsciously hide this book.

I also recommend a back up file with photocopies in case this may go missing. If you have the option of a safety deposit box, or out of home storage – you should also consider putting photocopies there. Keep in mind that there is little forgiveness from the adoptee in the case anything may go missing.

For more information, try these links:
http://www.lifebooksource.com/
http://www.adoptionlifebooks.com/
http://www.thedreamkidz.com/

Seventh Day

The seventh day at House of Angels was particularly interesting and initially brought a different and surprising reaction to my presence.
My morning began as I entered the play room. It was quite somber, and brought a very different reaction.

I walked in and the children were colouring or sitting on the couches watching television. There was no grand reception of hello’s, yells and rambunctious moods. Instead, one the boys (who I sense to be a leader of the group) addressed me with “Leaving today?” and modeled his body like an airplane to describe my immanent departure. His body language was aloof and cool.

I replied “Yes, but later today”, and he reacted with a blank facial expression and simply walked away. It was quite the reaction to experience, but I understood immediately why they were reacting in such a fashion. So, I sucked it up and surveyed the room. A little boy was colouring in the middle of the room, so I gently sat beside him and we smiled at each other. In a few minutes, another little boy came to join, then a few girls, and another boy.

Soon after, I started receiving “love” notes from the girls and thank-you cards from the children and staff. A few other children also drew me pictures.

Not long after I found myself in the typical swarming of children melting into my legs and arms. They became very rambunctious and forgot that I was leaving. I whipped out my camera and not before long, it was complete chaos! The children were tumbling, flipping and yelling “Jana! Jana!” I tried taking as many photos as I could, but I realized I couldn’t keep up with their standards of attention and clicking capabilities.

A few hours passed and it was time for me to go. The head caretaker Vicky rounded up the children and they all hugged and kissed me. It was a very quiet goodbye, with plenty of hugs and kisses and little words.