What I am thankful for...

A few weeks ago, I found myself at my son’s school participating in a student led conference. I sat in a regular student chair and overlooked his accomplishments. Half way through, he pulled out his journal and started showing off his entries. We turned to a page called “What I am thankful for”. At the very top, he wrote that he was “thankful for NOT being abandoned.”

I reacted with a slight surprise and my son turned the page with a semi-smile. I think he felt uncomfortable. Yesterday, I asked him about his reason why he thinks being abandoned is not a good thing.

He said "just because, and no offence mom, but its not a good thing". He went on to describe someone who is sad and feels unimportant and left out. I suppose that is not a desirable thing to be, feel or aspire to. I suppose I must agree that he should feel thankful for NOT being abandoned.

So, with this new found awareness of my son’s acknowledgement, I found myself pondering what I am thankful for, and I think I can say it would be as much as a “normal” person, but with a different twist.

I am thankful that I am alive and that my biological parents chose to abandon me in a semi-safe place; thankful that I was placed in a good home; thankful for my good health; thankful for my children and their great health; my family (even if they are not my biological, that does not matter); thankful for my great friends; thankful for my success and my strength and courage.

This exercise has reminded me to remember my good fortune. How about you?

Bulgaria's Abandoned Children

I came across a gripping and thorough documentary on a Bulgaria orphanage, that was anchored by Kate Blewett and produced by BBC. If you have an hour and a half, please watch it.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-9176914173325307126



Keep in mind that this isn't limited to Bulgaria, this is a wordly issue.

Handicapped Reunion

I had a very interesting, but traumatic dream last night. I dreamt that I was meeting my biological parents.

Oddly enough, I met my biological father first. I wasn’t too impressed, nor did I show much emotion (even though intellectually I know my life would not be here if it was not for him). I don’t remember much from this part, except he was taller than me, and we hugged. It wasn’t emotional.
Then, a few moments later, a stranger said “its time” and brought me to meet my biological mother.

She was extremely obese, looked rather unhealthy and was in a wheelchair. She had long brown hair, fair skin and I was searching her face for a resemblance, almost confused at her physical state. She was silent and did not say a word. She looked sad and guilty, but did make eye contact. She was accompanied by a few other people who were at her side as we both walked towards each other. I was alone, nervous and scared.

As I walked towards her, I thought “wow, this is it. This saga is finally over. I finally have my answers.” I looked at her and she held out her arms for a hug. I leaned down and hugged her. As I felt our bodies embrace and touch, a burst of tears flooded down my face. My body felt an instant adrenaline rush with acute pain. I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I could not stop crying and holding her.

I then woke up.

As I type this the next day, I think to myself, what did this person represent? A wheelchair confined, unhealthy and silent woman? Is that any significance to my stigma that I provide this situation? Is that fair for me to judge her as person who is struggling; unwell; guilt-ridden and confused? It is quite symbolic to paint her helpless, and perhaps that is my way of protecting myself. On a primal level, I want her pining; aching; recognizing and paying for the pain she has caused me…

Hope

(My son just minutes after he was born).

I found myself at the Bowring store on Saturday with my eldest son. We were looking through the Christmas decorations and I found a very interesting decoration. It was a jeweled encrusted word “Hope”.

For those that don’t know, my first name was Bonnie Vanessa Hope. Apparently, the nurses at the hospital gave me this name. The word, or rather name is quite common for abandoned babies. Many orphans are given this last name, and even orphanages are frequently named with this word.

My son looked at me concerned, and he said “oooh, mom, that’s your name right? I mean, your first name right?” I answered quietly “yes.” He then replied, “oh well, we shouldn’t get this since it will make you too sad.” I agree and we moved on.

I went on with my day, but later I thought about this more. Where is the line that we draw on the uncomfortable feelings and embracing this with a positive outlook?

I don’t think there is a clear answer. Every situation is different, timing is different and the point in a person’s life is different. I suppose for me, it is Christmas, which is a stressful time (good stress is still stress), and I’ll admit that I have always felt sadness at this time of year.

Do I need a trigger hanging on my Christmas tree? Do I need this name taunting me as I walk by? No.

Should I embrace this word as something to empower me and remind of what I have today? Well, perhaps that’s a novel idea, but for the season, I will tuck that away and keep my virgin, untainted tree just the way it is.

Traditions are meant to be kept.

This time of year can be particularly overwhelming and challenging for the families. Meltdowns are certain. Hyperactivity can be the norm, or a distant and detached frowning child. Either way, consider evaporating these situations with traditions. The more set traditions you have, the easier your holidays may be.

Here are some simple ideas to consider, and keep in mind that a tradition can only be if your family commits to doing this each and every year. Radlet’s love a controlled, steady and predictable environment. Setting up your child for anything less causes more stress and anxiety than needed.

Having these said traditions will give the child some normalcy to the riot of santa, presents and visitors, and may bring a bonding component to the family.

1. Take a family photo
2. Visit Santa
3. Find an easy cookie recipe and make them together
4. Do a special activity (my family does the Christmas train ride every year)
5. Make a gingerbread house together
6. Decorate the Christmas tree together
7. Have a Christmas party at the house (inviting the child’s friends) to encourage and test your child’s social skills
8. Have one set place for Christmas dinner each and every year (if that is possible)
9. Have a quiet day at home of relaxation on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day
10. If you are religious, choose one set day/time each year to visit the church i.e. Christmas Eve
11. Create a sense of belonging and ownership to the family by taking your child out to choose their gifts for your husband/wife and siblings. This may be a strenuous activity, but again, keep it light and fun and don’t do an 8 hour shopping marathon! Also, try to do the shopping early so your child feels prepared and you forego the crazy crowds at the mall
12. Give your child one special chore to do in relation to Christmas decorating
13. Create or buy an ornament for each year for each child (with the date written on the back)
14. Create a tradition with the parent who is typically not the main caregiver (this is typically dad). This will be paramount for creating a stronger bond
15. Make santa’s snack together and have the child intimately involved in cutting carrots, putting cookies out etc.

The night before Christmas, or before a big family get together, explain exactly what is going to happen at the event. Explain who is going to be there, where you are going and how long you will stay. Keep it positive and bring some quiet activity for the child to do.

Try not to travel at Christmas time. It is already such an overwhelming event, that it may push the limits too far for your child. If you can vacation at another time, you may as well save yourself the possible grief.

Some families choose this time to teach and show respect for their child’s native home. I do applaud this idea, but it has to be done delicately. Watch out for warning signs of your child feeling overwhelmed; overly excited or anxious. Also keep in mind that just because your child may come from China, it is not a reason to serve an Asian meal. Keep it true to your families traditions. You want to honor their background, but not confuse or create additional anxiety.

As an adult “radlet”myself, I absolutely adhere and enjoy my families traditions. We always do the Christmas train, at least a few days before Christmas. On Christmas Eve, we go to breakfast or brunch in suits and dresses at the fanciest restaurant open; we decorate the Christmas tree together (and I re-arrange my children’s ornaments later without them noticing); we buy a gift for a sick child at the children’s hospital and deliver it on Christmas day to remind us to be thankful for our good health. On Christmas Eve my boys get one gift each (a tradition I carry from my childhood), and each year they receive pajamas. On Christmas Day, I go to my parent’s house for a big Christmas dinner. I never travel at Christmas. It is far too special to bail out on family and yes, my strict traditions.